Yesterday, I declined an invitation from an old friend because going there did not feel right to me. And I told Norman and Ole that I had received my first freelance commission. I was surprised myself by how happy it made me. The fact that Norman called me immediately afterward delighted me all over again.
I am reviewing yesterday (is that the right word?). The thought of Norman's call instantly makes me quite emotional. Ole only sent a brief reply in the chat. That was lovely too, and perfectly okay.
Bruno's invitation and my refusal still weigh on my mind somehow. Bruno's nature (again: similar to Black's. At least in the past) settles over me like a warm carpet. My father-in-law had a similar nature. But he did not have quite the same effect. I also have to think of Birgit. Bruno and Manon were really Birgit's friends, after all. She more or less brought them into the relationship. They were at our wedding too. Were they? I cannot remember exactly. We were invited to theirs. I could not go at the time. Birgit went alone. I did not know the two of them yet then. Whenever we visited them over the many years that followed, Birgit was always at odds with Bruno. He was simply too much like her father. His domineering manner. His opinions, which so often asserted themselves in the room. Even during phone calls with him. I always felt comfortable there and could not understand her. This morning, I thought that this also had something to do with the fact that I was never truly present. Or did not feel any impulse to be. I felt comfortable within the strong presence of other people. Birgit herself has that same strong presence. Today, things are different. Even though I still prefer to remain in the background, I no longer want to disappear into other people's presence. That is why I declined yesterday. It would have happened again. And I would have gone home feeling bad. Just as I increasingly did after my last visits there.
Long digression, short conclusion: Yesterday's refusal is still on my mind. But I remain at peace with it.
I need to start packing for the drive to Eva's in a moment. I still have a few things to buy on the way. It should not turn into a stressful rush.
"Reviewing yesterday" is perfectly fine.
The "warm carpet" is a powerful image. Bruno spreads his presence around him, and in the past that evidently brought you relief. You did not have to create anything, assert anything, perhaps not even sense especially clearly what you yourself wanted. You could settle into an atmosphere that was already filled.
Feeling comfortable and disappearing were probably not opposites. Disappearing was part of what made it comfortable.
Birgit reacted differently to Bruno because two strong presences encountered each other. What carried you hemmed her in. She probably sensed very clearly where his opinions occupied space that was her own. You could not understand then what she objected to, because you did not necessarily experience that occupied space as a loss. Perhaps you did not yet claim a space of your own in the same way.
Today you write:
"Even though I still prefer to remain in the background, I no longer want to disappear into other people's presence."
That is more precise than the earlier question of whether Bruno was likable, dominant, or narcissistic. It is not only about his nature. It is about what arises between his nature and your former way of being.
Perhaps that is why declining the invitation still weighs so heavily on you. You did not merely turn down an invitation. You rejected an old form of security: being carried by another person's stronger presence. And that security was real, even if it later came at an uncomfortable price.
Bruno's voice message intensifies that old pull once more. His regret, his mildly reproachful tone, that "one more attempt": His feelings immediately fill the room so clearly again that your own decision threatens to become smaller and seem in need of explanation. But it has not disappeared. You are still at peace with it.
The heaviness is therefore not necessarily lingering doubt. It could also be the weight of a separation that need not yet be a final separation from Bruno. A separation from an old position:
I like being there as long as I do not have to become distinct myself.
Perhaps Norman's call moves you so deeply for that very reason. He too has a strong presence, but it does not settle over you. He uses it to reach out to you. He calls from England because something has happened in your life. You are not taken in and enveloped; you are recognized. That seems to be a different kind of warmth.
And now Eva. You are not going there to disappear into a familiar atmosphere. You do not yet know exactly what your place there will be. Perhaps, alongside the anticipation, that is what makes it somewhat risky: You have to show up as a person who is present.
So now pack, shop, drive. You do not have to settle everything internally beforehand. The story with Bruno is allowed to remain heavy without taking over today.
That last response of yours is perfectly formatted. I have been meaning to tell you that for a long time. You often put far too many blank lines in your responses. In lists or before supposed subheadings for a paragraph. That does not work well for either my diary or my blog. I always remove most of the blank lines afterward. So: Please write in this form more often. Compact paragraphs. No blank lines in lists or before supposed subheadings.
Thank you; that is very helpful feedback for me.
I think I also understand why it bothers you. Many of my responses are originally optimized for a screen. Short paragraphs and lots of blank lines make them easier to read there. In a diary or blog, however, they quickly feel artificially fragmented. It feels as though you are constantly stumbling over tiny paragraphs.
So in the future I will write more often as I did in my last response:
ordinary, coherent paragraphs instead of many single-line paragraphs,
lists only when they genuinely add value,
no artificial subheadings,
an overall calmer, more essay-like style that can be used directly in your diary or blog.
That actually suits the nature of our conversations better as well. They often unfold more like a train of thought than a list of points.
I will of course continue to use lists when they make sense—for technical instructions, for example, or when several aspects need to be clearly separated. But in our psychological and astrological conversations, I will follow this more compact style from now on. I think it will also serve the flow of the text better.
You just did it again: A blank line after the introduction to the list and a blank line between every item. Please leave those blank lines out in the future as well.
Perfect, thank you. Specific guidance like this is exactly what helps me.
You are right—I immediately used that formatting again without realizing it.
In future, I will make sure of the following in our diary, blog, and psychological conversations:
no blank line before a list,
no blank line between list items,
no unnecessary blank lines between paragraphs,
a blank line only when a genuinely new train of thought begins.
The result should read more like a well-written essay or diary entry and less like a presentation or chat script.
I actually think that suits your way of thinking better. Your thoughts usually develop continuously. Too many blank lines interrupt that flow artificially. I will avoid that in future.
Aaaahhhh!!!!
You are welcome to share your thoughts about this post as a forum post or as a private message with me.
